Friday, August 5, 2011

Sometimes. . .

You just have those days when the hormones are attacking your endorphins and your baby wakes up at 6am and won't go back to sleep so you don't get the chance to go running (for the 5th day in a row) or get more than 6 hours of sleep (for the 70th day in a row), and then when you are teetering precariously on that ledge between holding the emotion in and sobbing like an idiot, she leaks pee all over your lap. 
   Then you go to the pharmacy and she falls asleep in her car seat.  This wouldn't be such a big deal, except you are coming to the difficult realization that, because of her sensitive stomach, she will only nap in her car seat.  And she will only sleep at night in her swing.  And people keep telling you that it is best for her to sleep laying flat and you feel like her car seat and swing are affecting the shape of her head, but when you try to put her down in her bassinet or crib hours of crying ensue. 
   Then you feel like a bad mother because you are dispensing medicine down her throat and you don't know whether it's really for her own comfort in easing the stomach pain and colic, or just so you can get any amount of time without incessant crying and her needing to be held.  So the medicine does help and she is now asleep in her bassinet, but the guilt sets in because you remember how frustrated you got and the medicine is sitting on the kitchen counter taunting you.
   To make matters worse your complexion is as bad as ever from the hormones, you darkened your hair yesterday so you wouldn't have to keep up with roots, and asked your mom to cut you some bangs that you are pretty sure you can't pull off but needed to do something with your hair so you wouldn't feel selfish and ugly.  Also, the number of foods that you can't eat because it gives her a stomach ache are now in the hundreds... so there's hundreds more things to feel selfish about missing.
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