Monday, November 26, 2012

control monger

notice I chose the word monger instead of freak? :) It sounded kinder.

Last night I was laying in bed, feeling so sick that I couldn't even roll over.  I looked at the clock, it was Olivia's bedtime.  She was in the living room watching a movie with Jack.  I thought about asking Jack to put her to bed.  Then I thought about all of the parts of Olivia's bedtime routine that I like doing just so.  I decided I'd rather put her to bed.  Me, the one who was so sick I couldn't even roll over in bed.  I took a minute to decide if I was, in fact, capable of relinquishing control, decided it was unavoidable, and asked Jack to put her to bed.  I called him in and gave him a laundry list of instructions that probably sounded ridiculous; I don't know if he completed half of them, but I didn't ask after because I'd rather sleep soundly tonight than know that he forgot to put medication on her eczema spots or pull her diaper tightly over her bum so she didn't get diaper wedgies.

I often contemplate making a full schedule and set of rules and specific instructions for Jack to follow for how to take care of Olivia in the case that I were to die.  I'd leave the stack of papers in an envelope in my desk for him to find.  I know this sounds morbid and I have never gone so far as to type up such instructions, but I know it would put my mind at rest a little.  As it is, the instructions sit in my head.  Every time something about her schedule or needs change I make a mental note to change it in my set of instructions.

I like to do things myself.  I like knowing how they were done and that they were done to my specifications.  Is this a crazy thing or just a mom thing? (not the death note thing, I know that is a little over-the-top.  Just the whole wanting to do things myself).

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