Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Comic Relief

I am here tonight to tell you two stories.  Both of which are embarrassing and both of which happened to me.

Story #1
I was about to start college.  Like most 18-year-olds in 2006, I was a big fan of Hollister and Abercrombie.  Also, like most 18-year-olds, I couldn't afford to buy a whole lot of Abercrombie.  One day I moseyed on over to the children's Abercrombie and discovered that, not only did most of their size XL tops fit me, but they were a lot cheaper than the adult sizes (I use the term adult loosely, because what adult wears Abercrombie?)  Anyways, I got a couple of tops there and picked one out to wear on my first day of college.

First day of college.  I spend an hour and a half on my hair and makeup and then realize I'm running late, throw on my clothes and get to class.  There's an empty seat next to a very, very beautiful boy with dark hair and long eyelashes.  I take it.  Halfway through the class he taps me on the shoulder, "Umm, your shirt still has the sticker on it..." I look down and see a big XL sticker on my ribs.  I die a little.  For a moment I consider explaining...well you see, I'm not really an XL, I just shop in the little kid's department because it's cheaper.  I decide against it. I mumble a 'thank you' and resolve to avoid all eye contact for the rest of the semester.


Story #2
Jack's family loves to play boardgames.  I think I played more boardgames in my first year of dating him than I had in my previous 20 years.  We had only been dating for a couple of months when I went to a family dinner with him.  After dinner we played one of those games where a question is asked and everyone writes down their answer and then someone guesses which answer belongs to whom.  The question asked was "what is your biggest fear?"  I wrote mine down and added it to the pile.  The reader then began reciting the answers:

"Cancer"

crap.

"Having my spouse die"

oh crap.

"My wife and kids dying"

and on it went, with some form or another of death, illness, and spiritual darkness being read.  Until the last one.

"Whales"

it was mine.  Jack tried to hide his smile.  Both of my hands were plastered over my mouth.  His family looked around the table, laughing nervously like they didn't understand the joke.

"I'm really afraid of whales."  I explained, "but of course not more than, like, my family dying and stuff..."

They nodded and smiled and put on expressions of understanding, but I'm sure in their minds they were going who is this weird, unfeeling girl that Jack brought home?

Luckily we all got past it and Jack and I got married and I'm pretty sure most of his family likes me.



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