Monday, February 25, 2013

on my mind

Here are a couple things that have been weighing on me and I wanted to type out to get them out of my system:

I'm from Southern Utah where snow was an event and melted within hours of landing most of the time so when I moved up here the cold was very hard for me to live in.  I had to soak my feet in the tub a couple times a day just to feel warm.  This is my 5th winter in Northern Utah and while I am used to the snow and cold now, the length of the winter doesn't get much easier.  In fact, with a toddler it is almost unbearable.  Especially pregnant.  Having to be her main source of entertainment all day long is very tiring.  Her little legs can't maneuver through the deep snow very well so it ends up being more activity for me than her to play in it because I'm having to strain my back holding her hand the whole time or lift her out of the snow when she stumblesI can't wait for the warm weather when I can turn her loose in the field by our house or by the duck pond.  When she can bask in the sunlight in her little pool and pull leaves off the trees and run and roll in the grass until her lungs give out.  Or strap on some water wings and let her paddle around the city pool. I want to wash dirt and sweat off of her in the bath and get ice cream cone and grass stains out of her clothes.  I want her to go to bed truly exhausted from her days and wake up ready for outside adventures again.

Liv started hitting me when she gets frustrated with me (I partly blame this on the long winter too.  She's probably sick of me and/or being inside and doesn't have proper release for her energy).  She knows she isn't supposed to do it so she doesn't hit hard, just a little bop on the arm or face.  She doesn't know what it means to hurt another person, so it's just purely a response to frustration when I won't let her have something or when I make her leave a place she wants to be.  I hate it though.  I started holding her hand down and telling her No, but when that didn't seem to have effect I started ignoring it altogether, thinking it was the reaction that satisfied her.  Hopefully I find a way to resolve the issue.  I know it's normal and she'll grow out of it, but wow do I hate it.

Do most moms feel like they have to be the 'mean parent'?  I think most mom/dad teams just naturally have one parent that is more of the disciplinarian and that most of the time that falls on the one who spends the most time with the child.  Lately though I feel the burden of having to be the one who is always telling her she can't have my phone or can't have a treat or has to brush her teeth or get her diaper changed or the one to put her down for naps and to bed.  Jack gets to be the one to come down and be her horsey or fly her around the room or sneak her jelly beans.  He is very good about listening to my concerns and tries to make it even when the three of us are together (by telling her she can't have something or putting her in her crib after I have gotten her ready for bed) but when I am tired from the day and he comes down and she runs to him squealing and they chase each other around and laugh and play, I get a little jealous.  I WANT him to do those things with her because she loves it and she is so lucky to have a parent who will pretend to be a bear or a dog make up silly songs for her and chatter in baby language.  I'm just not that parent.  I'm the one who plays organized 'learning' games and feeds her healthy, balanced meals.  She still comes to me when she needs a snuggle or gets hurt, but not in the crazy squeal-y excited way she runs to Jack...  and she hits me.

I got in a funk last week and, through prayer, thought of the reason and a little bit of a solution.  The reason was that I didn't feel like I was being productive at all.  Sometimes each day just feels like the last and when I go to bed at night the only thing I have accomplished is taking a shower and keeping my kid alive.  The solution that came to my mind is to set goals for every day.  I used to make mile-long lists and thrived on checking things off, but with a toddler and an extra 20 pounds on me now, I find myself exhausted unmotivated to work on the enormous list of things that I mentally keep tally on in my mind that has been building since I got pregnant.  I have decided that each day I would write a couple of things to get done and then do them.  That's it, no excuses, just do them.
Today's things are:
1) wash and put away Olivia's laundry.
2) wash and stretch out my new sundresses for our vacation.
3) Go for a walk.
4) Call and leave a message to make a hair appointment.
Pretty easy things that won't make me dread the day or feel like I have too much work to do, but at the same time will make me feel like I did something and am whittling away at the ginormous list in my head.
hi baby --->

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