Monday, June 3, 2013

the journey.

Having a child is one of those rare things where the end result actually is better than the journey.  The journey sucks.  The last part of the journey is one of the worst parts.  No matter how often you hear that you are "almost there," you do not feel better.  You want to be there now.  The light at the end of the tunnel comes at a very high and tiring price.  You get texts 20 times a day saying "Any baby yet?" and strangers in stores say "you look like you are ready to pop!" and "looks like any day now!"  Everyone is kind, and other mothers commiserate, but it doesn't change the fact that you feel like there's a feral hormone-leopard in you, hiding too close to the surface, wanting to latch onto the face of anyone who dares mention the fact that you are still, in fact, pregnant.

I know I sound ridiculous because I'm still only two days shy of 39 weeks, but when your first child is 19 days early, and your doctor says you'll have the baby by the 30th of May and it is now the 3rd of June, things go downhill real fast.  Expectations can be extremely hard to let go of.  It's like waiting for Christmas and then having it get pushed ahead a week at a time....  and if Christmas made you feel like your pelvis was broken in 3 places.

Also, my doctor is going out of town on Wednesday until Sunday.  If I knew that she wasn't going to come while he was gone I could relax a little, but now I'm worried I'll have to use a different doctor again!  He was out of town when Olivia was born and it was fine, we liked the on-call doctor, but I would really like my own doctor this time because I might be switching up the birth plan a little.

That's all.  That's my rant for today.  I'm going to go try accessing a Zen place for a few minutes and focusing on positive things and how none of this will matter when she's in my arms.

in the meantime, please enjoy this photo of Olivia channeling Adolf Hitler after she found a tube of my mascara.  Is that offensive?  If so, pretend I said Charlie Chaplin to begin with.

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