Friday, October 18, 2013

too fast too soon

My tiny girl is 4 months old :( She is getting so tall.  In two short months she will be 6 months and it will be time for her to sleep in her own nursery.  She will have outgrown her bassinet at the foot of my bed (she already escapes even the tightest swaddle).  I'm so sad about it.  I love sleeping in the same room as my babies; I love sneaking in after Berlin has gone to sleep and slipping into bed quietly so as not wake her.  Laying in the dark and listening to the white noise of the sound machine and the barely audible sound of her tiny breaths.  Sometimes I can hear her make little sucking noises as she dreams of eating, or whimper softly in her sleep.  I like hearing her be alive.  I made her, and her body works perfectly.  I am so blessed to have my girls and I'm not ashamed to say that they are blessed to have us: a Mama and Daddy who love them sooooo much.

With Olivia I fumbled too much, and so I looked forward to the next milestone too often.  I've learned from those mistakes and now, with Berlin, I'm afraid of the time passing.  I'm already sad for the times when I won't be able to hold her small body tucked safely in my arms and breathe in her sweet breath and the baby smell that still lingers in her neck rolls.  Jack and I have said that four kids sounds like a good number for us, but that makes me realize that I'm already halfway done.  Only two more times seeing a fuzzy little body on an ultrasound screen and finding out a gender.  Two more times of meeting our next big love and getting to know each other in a cozy hospital room, separate from the rest of the world.  Two more times of first smiles, laughs, cries.

 I'm so sad, but also so thankful that I have the perspective to appreciate it right now while I have it.  I take every feeding session as an opportunity to stare at my baby, memorize the curve of her chubby cheek, hold her hand, and squeeze her little body.  I try to live in the now as much as possible.
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